Season 5

If love is a drug, then Loretta is tempted; and Van faces a threat to all he holds most dear. A new day, a new series and there’s a ‘raid’ on the West House - as dangerous thugs break down the door and attack Van and Sheree. Judd and Cheryl arrive to Sheree and Van’s defence, only to discover that the assailants are none other than cops, led by tough DS Gerard - who is there to arrest Sheree. Van puts up a spirited defence of his beloved, but many boxes of household appliances and surveillance footage suggest she is guilty of a brazen shop lifting spree. Cheryl is ropeable, and Van upset, as Sheree is taken away. Van tries to get legal assistance from Jethro, but the answer is no way. Jethro is busy with some mystery project, one which is driving Loretta mad with curiosity. While he’s out of the office, Loretta breaks into his desk, as he knew she would, then confronts Jethro with the evidence – figures. He offers to reveal all if she buys in. Loretta takes the bait, but instantly bails when she finds the other business partner is none other than Hayden Peters. Hayden has to work to bring her round to a venture that could be profitable, as well as fun. Meanwhile, Van’s only supporter is Judd, who is happy to take on Gerard about his dodgy arrest methods. But Judd now finds that Gerard’s real interest is not Sheree, but Nicky. Gerard releases Sheree on bail, but Judd is aware there is an outstanding grudge here against Nicky. As a result, Cheryl is all the more worried for Pascalle and makes an offer of détente: fish pie. But this backfires when Pascalle announces she’s already hosting her own fish pie dinner. Van fears for Sheree, and is under pressure to get a new place for them. But now Gerard contacts Van, wanting to discuss Sheree’s case. Gerard claims to want to help her, but Van then finds the trade off would be information on Nicky. Van is appalled that Gerard wants him to be a narc. Cheryl is not happy to find that Pascalle has commandeered most family members for her fish pie night. But now Sheree gets good news: the charges against her have been dropped. Van suggests Judd’s intervention is the reason for this, but Judd is rather mystified that Gerard would give up so easily . . . Loretta now meets the other member of the new business, Jethro’s much-changed old school friend, Nadine. She discovers that Nadine is the inventor of a new party pill. Loretta is sceptical, but goaded into sampling the product. Loretta finds it actually works and there seems to be a rekindling of feelings between her and Hayden. But then he goes home with Nadine. Jethro and Loretta take comfort in Mum’s fish pie and dreams of greatness. As Pascalle finally serves her fish pie to a pissed party, and everyone is pleased at Sheree’s good news. But now we find the real reason that the charges have been dropped. Van refused to be a narc, but Gerard insisted it was the only way to keep Sheree out of jail. Van, torn, demanded proof: that the charges be dropped. Gerard’s deal was if this happened, then Van would provide information on Nicky. This has now happened, so it seems that Van is embarking on a new career as a narc…

There is a whole bag of trouble when Cheryl doubts Pascalle, and Judd finds that old is the new young. Munter is a man spent, milked of sperm. The reason is Kasey’s obsession with having a baby, which is draining his vital fluids and ruining his sex life. Cheryl has decided on a new approach to drive Pascalle from Nicky, one of kindness and conciliation. But her offers of help with Best Bag Ever only offend Pascalle. Upset and undermined, Pascalle is determined to prove to Cheryl that she can sell bags. She demands bags from Kasey, and wants Loretta’s assistance with a retail event that will go down in history. Sheree is worried that all Pascalle’s cash is being wasted on the venture, but hopes Pascalle will finally crash and burn. Cheryl is similarly sceptical, but has other worries . . . Ngaire is moving in downstairs with Grandpa! Cheryl goes into battle with Grandpa over this, only to find that Ngaire has no intention of moving in. Grandpa just wants a space of his own for some quiet entertainment. Cheryl is semi-assuaged until the house is rocked by loud music. Cheryl and Judd now discover that Ngaire and Grandpa are running a gambling den, with the assistance of Falani. Cheryl is not impressed, but Judd insists on dealing with it. He brokers a deal with Grandpa – there can be parties, but no stolen booze and no trouble. I’m being milked - like a python. Munter Sceptics and supporters now converge on Westfield Mall for Pascalle’s historic retail event, a full-on demonstration of the Best Bag Ever. Disaster turns to success, and Pascalle sells big time. But she’s chagrined not to get an apology from Cheryl. Undeterred, Pascalle now shows Kasey the dingy space she’s taken so Kasey can fill the many bag orders. At which point, Kasey baulks. She’s a designer not a machinist, and also under pressure from Cheryl. She then has a similar spit with Cheryl, and walks out. Kasey shares her woes with Munter as they try again for a baby, but now he reveals that all this trying for a baby is just not sexy. Kasey takes this ill. Sheree counsels Pascalle to give up on the bag, but Nicky is supportive. He then claims this is only to keep in with Pascalle. He is sure the bag idea will fail of its own accord. Cheryl decides to use her new conciliatory approach with Kasey: she must do what is right for her. Judd is left to deal with the oldie front, where all is quiet. But now Hayden arrives to complain about the abduction of various inmates from the Janet Frame. And Judd finds that this evening’s quiet entertainment is a porno cinema. At this, he sees red and turns off the power. This leads to a showdown with Grandpa and Ngaire, but Judd has had enough. He lives here now and has a say, so get used to it. Pascalle arrives, upset to find that Cheryl has gone to pressure Kasey. In despair over having orders but no way of sewing bags, she finds a sympathetic ear in Ngaire. Pascalle should have come to her sooner. . . Cheryl and Judd both feel they’ve triumphed, but now Kasey reveals she’s taken Cheryl at her word. She’s doing what is right for her by resigning, and going to work for Pascalle, who has found a wonderful machinist in Grandpa’s former associate, Bilkey. Ngaire is happy to have sweet revenge on Cheryl, and Pascalle pleased she no longer needs her mother’s approval. As Cheryl finds it keener than a serpent’s tooth to have an ungrateful child . . . But more important than all of this - Kasey decides she’s no longer trying for a baby, and sperm can be wasted. Munter’s sex life improves dramatically.

Van wrestles with being a rat and finds an angel, as Loretta seeks a lab rat and finds a lover. Van is under pressure from Gerard to come up with something on Nicky, and going to the gym doesn’t count. Van hints to Nicky that he’s looking for a ‘job’, and is then disappointed to find the job turns out building a wardrobe for Pascalle. He meant something more like ‘night work’. He is pleased when Nicky comes up with the offer to be a driver but not for a robbery - it’s driving a hooker. Van finds that Angel is no ordinary working girl. She’s a shemale, who is not impressed with Van’s car or the loss of her former driver. Van is shocked that Angel should get so much business, then finds that Nicky is not just organising drivers, he’s actually the boss. Van thinks he has something on Nicky, but is dismayed to learn from Gerard that neither prostitution, nor homosexuality are illegal. What is this country coming to? Well actually, Van, I’m more than your average girl. I’m the woman of your dreams. A woman with a penis. Angel But now there is a further complication as Nicky wants Van to keep an eye on Angel, who he thinks has been stiffing him on his cut. Van is not just a narc, but a double narc, and he’s having trouble coping. Especially as this means lying to Munter, who is not that impressed with the gym thing, and even less impressed when Angel drags Van off for some afternoon delight. Van also finds that Angel is ripping Nicky off. She twigs that Van is a spy and is upset, but forgives him. Munter is less forgiving, and Van decides he’s had enough. He tells Gerard that he’s not cut out for narcing, and lying to his best mate and feeling like crap, and he resigns. He can’t do it anymore. Meanwhile, Loretta is unimpressed with the slow progress on selling the party pill, including the lack of a name. Nadine also seems set on endless clinical trials with her rats to check side effects and maximum dosage. Loretta decides to conduct her own trial on some handy human rat, but unfortunately Van and Grandpa are preoccupied. Then Aaron Spiller comes to see her with an ethical dilemma. The Gooch has been offered the job of building Pascalle’s wardrobe, but Aaron is desperate to do it. Loretta approves, on the condition that he tries out some herbal pills for her. Aaron is keen, and under stress because of Pascalle’s storage demands, he downs several. This turns him into a human dynamo, but also gives him the clarity to know that Pascalle will never love him as he loves her. Loretta goes to observe her rat while he’s building, and finds that he’s happy to take even more pills. Pascalle is appalled that Loretta would test unknown drugs, even on Aaron, though she’s happy with the wardrobe. But now, as he completes the Taj Mahal of storage, Aaron collapses. Pascalle is appalled, but as she gives Aaron the kiss of life, he revives. Loretta is delighted to report to Hayden that she now knows the maximum dose and also has a name, Excellence. Aaron declares his love to Pascalle while no longer out of it, but it’s a love that can never be. Van now tells Nicky he’s quitting his driving job, but also suggests a way that Angel won’t rip Nicky off and all will be happy. But as he’s doing this, Pascalle has shock news. Kasey and Munter have been arrested. Indeed the cops have raided and found a pound of primo weed, and Munter is now looking at jail time. But Munter is mostly piqued at how the cops knew, and who could have dobbed him in . . . Van is upset to think that Gerard has taken revenge by arresting Munter. Gerard is unrepentant. His point is that Van doesn’t resign, or quit. And if he wants to help Munter and get him off these charges, then Van better come up with something on Nicky and do it fast.

Van needs a very big plan to save Munter, and Loretta needs to thwart the most unholy alliance. Van is desperate to help Munter, but since Nicky has nothing on, Van has to come up with an idea for the big score. He frets to Angel, as she meets Doug – who drives a full petrol tanker through every Thursday and spends an hour with her. Van has finally found his big idea! Van pitches this to Nicky, who thinks it’s genius. Van is chuffed, but Gerard points out that Munter won’t get off until Nicky is arrested. He needs time, place, details. Van persuades Nicky that he should drive the tanker and suggests a place to take it. Nicky then becomes elusive about his plans for the petrol and Van fears the worst, but Gerard isn’t worried about the tanker’s destination if he can catch Nicky en route. Van, though guilty, thinks he’s finally set to save Munter, but can’t reveal details to his mate. Cheryl is peeved, that Sheree lost money on a Hoochie party, then impressed to find she took the host’s dog hostage. She and Sheree use this as leverage, but of more concern to Loretta is that Cheryl and Sheree seem to be - getting on. Judd is less worried until he finds Cheryl is planning to give Sheree more responsibility in the business. Judd raises Sheree’s criminal record, but Cheryl is unconcerned. Loretta is further alarmed when the preggies gang up on her to demand chores. This alliance must be stopped! Judd, uneasy, decides to do a little checking up on Sheree. Sheree and Mum, just went the high-five. Now quite apart from the fact that there is never ever any excuse for a high five, ever - what is up with that? Loretta Pascalle, meanwhile, is about to have a birthday, but is still estranged from Cheryl. Sheree decides to host a surprise party that will mend fences and bring about an end to the war between the Greegans and the Wests. As Judd discovers something interesting: Sheree is married, to a man called Garth Loader. Van is appalled to find that Pascalle’s party and the robbery are on the same night. Gerard is unimpressed to hear of this hitch, but Nicky reassures Van. The tanker comes through every week: all they have to do is delay. But now Angel has sad news. Dougie is changing his run, so Thursday will be his last night. Van panics, but Nicky reasons that they just nick off for a bit to do the job. Van finally has his plans in place, but gets hassled about missing the party. It’s Thursday, and Pascalle’s birthday. Van is upset to find that Munter has organised a ring-in to drive Angel. Van has to put his foot down to prevent this and finally he’s driving Miss Angel to the Lincoln Green - as Pascalle is unimpressed to find herself outside West House, the place where no one cares or remembered her birthday. But she’s instantly cheered to find the reason: a surprise party all for her! She and Cheryl are reunited and all goes well, until Loretta needles Sheree about her husband. At this, Sheree reveals that she hasn’t mentioned Garth because he’s dead. Cheryl is unimpressed to find that Loretta and Judd have checked up on Sheree, and Pascalle will not let Nicky leave the party. So now, as Van waits, a new driver arrives at the Lincoln Green: Munter. He’s a bit peeved that Van didn’t reveal his primo plan, but prepared to do the job. To stop Munter being caught, Van is forced to reveal that the cops are waiting. Munter realises that Van is a dirty narc. But he also realises that he can drive the tanker and evade the roadblock. So the job goes ahead, but Gerard is angry that his plans came to naught. And Munter has now worked out why he got arrested for the dope. It was Van’s fault, and he wants nothing more to do with him. Judd has now found out that Sheree’s husband is dead. Loretta is sure that Sheree murdered him, but no, he died in a fishing accident - except the other person on the boat was Nicky Greegan.

The slings, arrows and infomercials of outrageous fortune cause Cheryl to doubt her offspring, with potentially tragic results.

Cheryl is forced to let go, Loretta is forced to take hold and the Mighty Munt is put to the test.

Munter is making final preparations before he goes to jail. Van feels desperate, but Gerard is offering no quarter unless Van lives up to his bargain to inform on Nicky. Van is even more upset when Munter wants to sort car custody, because he can’t co-parent with a nark. So they decide to divide the Valiant parts between them. But when they visit Aaron’s garage to do this, they find that Aaron has built the car. No way can they split up such a thing of beauty, so they now decide it must be sold.

Pascalle is in peril as Sheree moves to strike, and Loretta finds that trees can also be dangerous.

Grandpa and Ngaire play for very high stakes, and Loretta's secret lover is no secret anymore.

Van has decided once and for all to quit being a nark. Gerard appears to accept this and Van has other important matters to deal with, like showing Cheryl his house. She’s just got the all clear on the pregnancy front, and is as nice as she can be, but how can he afford this? And she still feels strange about Van leaving home. She never thought the day would come!

The Wests are stung; catastrophe abounds and no one is safe from a woman on the warpath.

While Pascalle strives to achieve the beautiful positive, Cheryl finds that Jethro has been messing with her knickers.

Pascalle is channelling her grief into visiting Grandpa, who must be miserable. He disagrees and claims to be enjoying the peace and quiet. But in the exercise yard, he meets an angry Dane Harris – only to be rescued by none other than Sparky. So much for peace and quiet. Pascalle rarks up Jethro about Grandpa’s appeal, and then finds Jethro isn’t taking one because Grandpa has given no instructions. But Pascalle isn’t about to give up. Judd is surprised when Ngaire again appears for dinner and Cheryl suffers her abuse. Judd finds that this is yet another West Code: crime wives are entitled to free meals from their associates. Judd fears it will do bad things to Cheryl’s blood pressure, so visits Grandpa to suggest he plead guilty to get it over with. Grandpa, on principle, refuses. Sparky has slightly insane plans to break out of jail and insists he will take Grandpa with him.

Judd, Cheryl and Munter are on their way to pick up Van. Munter feels sure that Judd’s old man will be a true koro – as they find two wastrels on a couch with a sign saying ‘you toot we drink’. It’s Van with Judd’s Dad, Ray. Judd is refusing invitations to stay, as Deleesha appears. We find Judd has a sixteen year old half sister, who now steals his car. Munter finds Van has been doing heaps of work for free on Ray’s house; seems to think he’s Maori; and has no wish to go home. Judd warns Cheryl not to believe Ray’s bullshit, and they’re definitely not staying. Munter is worried about Van and Judd diagnoses that he’s been ‘Rayed’, manipulated. But Ray wins over Munter with an offer of a fishing trip, as Deleesha arrives home drunk.

Van is called upon to bestow the greatest gift, while Pascalle and Loretta most emphatically refuse to share.

Cheryl takes the offensive against fashion crimes and a son called Jethro, while Judd fights for family.

Cheryl seeks solace from an unlikely quarter, and Pascalle decides that Judd may actually be a saint. Cheryl can’t believe that Wolf has appeared at Tutaekuri Bay, but he insists that she called him. Cheryl declares she can’t go back after the death of the baby and Wolf is happy to take his opportunity, except now they are interrupted by Ranger Dennis, who is not happy to see Wests on his turf. Wolf deals to him, but he reappears to give them a dire warning about not lighting fires and ash contamination. At this, Cheryl becomes furious.

Grandpa has a disturbing visit from Eric, aka The Angel of Death, with a message that Grandpa will die in jail. Yes, this is a nightmare, but Grandpa believes the message. So he asks Jethro to make his will.

All’s fair in love and war. Cheryl demands a high price for Jane, and Pascalle is also much wanted . . .